Not Enough

DISCLAIMER: this may sound terrible and contradictory to popular belief! This may hit hard for some people. My hope is that it will be a refreshing truth that makes you feel free. YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH…….at least by yourself.

You may have heard or felt that deep inside from many people in your life. You think about it every time “a more attractive person” shows up on the screen or in a magazine. The world wants you to strive to be perfect and tells you how you are not, so you will buy what they are selling. The belief that we HAVE to be enough, ruins friendships, fosters unhealthy habits, places people in a revolving door of disappointment. Aren’t you tired yet? Have you reached the brim of exploding? Well, you are not alone and there is hope!

I am not enough!

The reason I was lead to write this post, which I knew may cause some discussion and frustration, was because I was fighting against needing to be enough. The world and everyone around us, tells us that we have to be enough, we have to be the best, be independent. IT SCREAMS AT US. Honestly, that’s why you and I get mad when we think we are not. It’s at our core.

Earlier this year, I was in a huge pit of low confidence. I’m talking, crying everyday, frustrated at my situation, at myself for not being enough. Josiah, my husband, prayed over me, held me, and stood by me in this pit. I realized Josiah deserved better, which made me even more mad that I wasn’t being that “enough” for him. It made me even more upset and gave Satan more ammo, when I thought I shouldn’t be this “drama queen”, Why am I not Christian enough. THAT’S when I began tracing the Prince of Darkness’s plan that lead me to the pit I was in.

Not enough at Home

Needless to say, I didn’t feel like I was enough for Josiah. As a newly wed, I began to doubt by ability to be a good wife. This started around December, 2 months after we got married. Crazy, right? I felt like I was suppose to know it all, to have it figured out, be able to read Josiah’s thoughts. Don’t get me wrong, we were doing great and even now, we have been blessed and couldn’t ask for better. I felt like I was failing Josiah because I wasn’t a good enough cook. I was not a good enough apartment keeper. The list goes on and on. I wasn’t enough. Period. When I would get upset at this, like I mentioned before, I would be so mad for not being strong enough. I felt I was letting Josiah down on the spiritual side as well, considering I was meant to be pushing Josiah to the Lord, not pulling him into a pit. Josiah told me, “Amber, there are going to be days where I am going to need you like this, we are meant to be this for each other. I am so excited for what God has for you, because Satan is really scared of what it is, to be attacking you like this. You are my joy-bomb!” Satan really was after me. Even after that sweet pep talk and praying over me, Satan was using Josiah’s words to dig me into doubt. After much prayer, I began to realize I had to let God have Josiah, I had to let God be enough for him and take a step back. I was not going to be perfect for him and that was freeing!

Not enough at Work

I have only been teaching for 2 years, but this past year was the most difficult and stressful year to date, of my life. I drove roughly 40 minutes to work tired, trying to prepare myself for a positive day. I got to work already feeling defeated. You may be thinking, was your job really that bad? My job was not bad, I worked with some great teachers and staff, those kids are amazing, and I enjoy teaching. My frustration and defeated feeling was in me trying my hardest and thinking that it wasn’t enough. Sometimes in the classroom, when you are placed in a situation where you were never trained for, you do the very best you can. I would get mad, I wouldn’t know what to do, didn’t know how to respond. I felt defeated because I didn’t feel like enough and didn’t see that gap closing. It wasn’t until later that I realized I was never going to be enough for those kids. I was relying on my own strength to be EVERYTHING they needed. Trying and failing and failing some more, while others judged and feeling like the big bad teacher. I still wrestle with not being what those kids needed, even today. I realize what my future classes need from me can’t be given from my own strength. Those kids need to see Jesus through me. They need to see me fail and realize it’s okay and try again, but when the tough gets tougher to always rely on Jesus. That Jesus free’s me from having to be enough.

Not a Good enough Friend

Although home and work life made me doubt the most, (y’all Satan was really out to get me) in the back of my mind, I felt like I was not a good friend. In all of my pain, frustration, stubbornness to not let God be enough, I was not talking with my friends. I wasn’t focused on really anyone else but trying to make myself better, make myself perfect. I didn’t call friends, didn’t go hang out, didn’t send a thoughtful text, etc. Satan was eating it up! I gave him a foothold that he took and ran with, not looking back. BUT PRAISE GOD! God gave me the freedom to be imperfect. No, I am not saying God gave me a free pass to be a selfish person who doesn’t care about her friends, but He took the weight that made me think that it was all about having to be perfect in every area.

What do you mean?

Let me take a moment to bring in the scripture that shows the glorious freedom of not having to be enough. While the world says, not matter what be better than the next person, God says I AM enough for you.

Remember when Moses doubted himself and what God said to him:

“I have certainly seen the oppression of my people in Egypt. I have heard their cries of distress because of their harsh slave drivers. Yes, I am aware of their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the power of the Egyptians and lead them out of Egypt into their own fertile and spacious land, It is a land flowing with milk and honey…..Look! The cry of the people of Israel has reached me, and I have seen how harshly the Egyptians abuse them. Now go, for I am sending you to Pharaoh. Exodus 3:7-10 NLT

NOW, How many “I” do you see in this passage? God was not saying Moses go take care of this on your own strength. He was saying I see that my people need me, I will send you, I will go with you, to Deliver my people. Moses was clearly not enough on his own when he tried previous to this conversation. BUT with and by God, he was.

Continuing in Exodus, many know about the plagues that God sent to Egypt because Pharaoh would not let the people of Israel go. God sent 10 plagues, the 10th being, He would come over the land and take the first born of everything, animal and people alike. But He gave a way to avoid the plague. They were instructed to get an animal.

” The animal you select must be one-year-old male either a sheep or goat, with no defects….. They are to take some of the blood and smear it on the sides and top of the doorframes of the houses where they eat the animal. On that night, I will pass through the land of Egypt and strike down every first born son and first born male animal in the land of Egypt I will execute judgement against all the gods of Egypt, for I am the Lord! But the blood on your doorposts will serve as a sign, marking the houses where you are staying. When I see the blood, I will pass over you. This plague will not touch you. ” Exodus 12: 5, 7, 12-13 NLT

In the Old Testament, people continue to sacrifice a lamb and other animals to be cleansed of their sins. Now to give perspective, this was not just as easy as getting any lamb or sheep, it was a lengthy process where it had to be absolutely perfect. You had to go to the Temple of the Lord with your perfect lamb, kill it, take its blood and put it on the altar, and worship the Lord in a ceremonious way. You did this when you were unclean both spiritual and physically. As a woman, you can only imagine that you had to do this at least each month, if you know what I mean. Also you were not able to be with other people or partake in activities until you were cleansed. Can you imagine doing this every time you messed up, every time you sinned against God? It would be exhausting to continue this in your own strength.

Well, what’s the big deal? If they could do that, I could do that! Okay, how may people own a lamb or a sheep or maybe a goat, that’s perfect? That would keep it, care for it, test, and kill it, eat it, and smear its blood on only one altar that could be continents away? Here’s the big deal, WE DON’T HAVE TO!

“Behold, the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!” John 1:29

This is HUGE! This was John the Baptist speaking of Jesus as He came closer to be baptized. This means that you do not have to do all that to be enough, so your sins are forgiven. Jesus came as the perfect lamb to be tested, slaughtered, and the blood that covers all imperfections. Praise the Lord! We don’t have to be perfect or strive to be enough for everyone. He is enough for all.

Now, I am not saying that it’s not important to want to be more like Jesus. I’m not saying that what God is still doing in your life is a free pass to do what you want or to be a purposely imperfect person. What I am concluding on is that Jesus removes the weight from you to have to be enough, you don’t have to compete with the next person, you don’t have to fear your spouse not being enough for you or you for them, you don’t have to drive to work feeling like a failure for not doing everything right. DO your best, but call on the Lord, He is truly enough! Satan can come at me with “YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH!” all day, sure I am not wonder woman and it will hurt to hear, but I will say! THANK GOODNESS, BECAUSE MY GOD IS!

Enough is Enough

Here are some questions to get you thinking about the ways Satan might be telling you that it you have to constantly be enough, to be better than the next person.

1. Where do you feel like you are failing? Why?
2. Are you failing from doing the same things over and over again?
3. Are you relying on yourself or on God?
4. Are you praying as much as complaining?
5. Does Satan have foothold (a repeating way to get you to doubt yourself or God)?
6. What scripture can remind you of the Power and Freedom of your God?

Hope you see the grace of God today as you continue to rely on him.

— LOVE, Amber